"The wound is the place where the light enters you." - Rumi
Dear God,
Today
is a hard day. No matter how hard I try
to stay busy, I am distracted by the date on the calendar. I am haunted by memories of a phone call I
never wanted to receive. I am flooded
with guilt over my broken vows, unfulfilled promises and a love taken for
granted. I can’t help but travel down
the many paths of what-if’s and should’ve beens, and God, they hurt. Every year, on the day he took his life, I
feel suffocated by the powerlessness of not being able to change this one
moment in time that changed so much.
So my
prayer to you is this. Help me change
THIS moment. Help me change ME.
Help me to be a better friend. To
be a better listener, even when my friends are not speaking out loud. Help me to be there for them when they are
hurting or lonely or sad without them even having to ask. Help me to be an active listener and
proactive in showing my love.
Help me to be less judgmental. Help me remember that the junkie was just
like me before she took that first hit.
The homeless person on the street could easily be me one day. The woman in prison would be me if I had
gotten caught. The kid at school we used
to make fun of may be my kid now. We are
all someone’s brother or sister or mother or father or child. We all belong to you, we all belong to each
other. Help me feel responsible to show
love and compassion and not point fingers.
Help me to remember that my words
matter. That gossip can kill, that a
kind word can save and that the next thing I say to someone may very well be the
LAST thing said between us. Please
remind me to use my "I love you’s", my "I’m sorry’s", my "thank you’s", my "I forgive
you’s" and my "just thinking of you’s" every day.
And God, if you should see it fit to ever send another love my way, help me to love fully and fearlessly; to commit myself daily, and to build a home centered more on acceptance and less on expectation.
Help me to use the painful truths
of his death in a way that may prevent someone else from ever knowing how this
feels. Help make the broken pieces of my
heart into something beautiful to honor him and honor you.
This is my prayer.
